Wit and Wisdom

 
 

• An old man lived alone in Minnesota.  He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.  His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

• How do you make Holy water?  Get regular water and boil the hell out of it.

• There was this little girl named Annie that sat in front of a little boy named Johnny in Sunday school.  Annie always slept during the Sunday school lesson.  One Sunday the teacher asked, “Who created the earth?” and she called on Annie to answer.  Annie was sleeping so Johnny stabbed her with a pencil.  Annie woke up and said, “Jesus Christ”.  The teacher said very good Annie.  A few minutes later Annie was sleeping again and the teacher asked, “Who was Jesus’ father?”  Johnny stabbed Annie again and she yelled out “God Almighty”.  The teacher said, “Very good Annie.”  About five minutes later the teacher asked Annie, “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?”   Johnny stabbed her once more and Annie jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m gonna break it in half.”  The teacher fainted.

• Once there was a sick woman that was about to die so she called her lawyer and her preacher and said, “Will you both stand on each side of my bed and hold my hand?”  The two men said, “Why?” and the woman said, “Because I want to die like Jesus did with two thieves on each side.”

• Three men die in a car crash and to get a good car in heaven they each have to answer a question.  St. Peter says to the first man, “How many years were you with your wife, and did you ever cheat on her?”  The first man replies, “I was with my wife for 12 years and I cheated on her 9 times.”  “Right, you get a mini”, says St. Peter, ”who is next?”  The second man steps forward and St. Peter asks the same question.  “I was with my wife 20 years and I cheated on her 6 times”, replied the man.  “Right”, said St. Peter, “you get a rover.   And now for you”, St. Peter says to the third man.  “I was with my wife for 30 years and I didn’t cheat on her once!” he replied.  “That’s what we like to hear”, said St. Peter, “you get a jaguar.”  So the two men with the mini and the rover are driving around when they see the man with the jaguar crying.  They asked him, “What’s wrong?”  He replies, “I just saw my wife driving around on a skateboard!”

• A preacher skipped his Sunday sermon to go bear hunting.  He packs his truck and trusty rifle and heads to the woods.  As he is walking through the forest, he hears a movement in the bushes behind him.  He turns around and there is a huge grizzly standing there.  His first instinct is to take off running.  As he is running, he is praying, “God, please forgive me for skipping church!  Answer my one prayer and I will never skip church again!  Please make a Christian out of this bear.”  Instantly the bear drops to his knees and prays, “Dear Lord, bless this food I’m about to receive!”

• Why is Santa Claus so merry?  He knows where all the bad girls live.

• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

• If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

• If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does his/her partner also have to drown?

• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

• If God sneezes…what should you say?

• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read correctly?

• Is there a Dr. Salt?

• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

• What happened to the first 6 Ups?

• What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?