Just kidding: 2010

Oct 23, 2010

What a Man Thinks

GENERAL EQUATIONS AND STATISTICS: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

HUGO WATNEY: A man walks into a bar and says to the bar man. “I bet you five hundred pounds that I can pee into that glass over there.” The bar man says, “OK”, so the guy starts to pee and he’s peeing all over the place. He’s peeing on the walls, on the ceiling, on the bar man, and he’s peeing everywhere except the glass. So the bar man’s laughing, with urine dripping off his face, and he’s really happy and says, “You dumb idiot, you now owe me five hundred pounds!” So the man goes to the back of the bar. The guy slaps the money on the bar with a great big grin on his face. “Why are you so happy you just lost five hundred pounds?” says the bar man. “Well, see those guys over there, I just bet them a thousand pounds that I could pee on you, pee on your bar and you not only not be mad about it, but you’d be happy!”

What a Woman Thinks

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does change.

FEMALE GOLFER: Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to retrieve it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!” The woman said, “That would be okay.” For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and Adonis and women will flock to him.”

The woman replied, “That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, poof! – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. Again the frog warned, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine.”

So, poof! - she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, “I’d like to have a “MILD HEART ATTACK”.

Dumb and Dumber

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.

Drug possession defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

In Oklahoma City, Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney, Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying, and then said, “I should have blown your head off.” The defendant paused, then quickly added, “If I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “It’s because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
At Charlotte, NC, a man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous but stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the “fires.” After the man had cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all yur muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “Ok”, and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you? Run like hell because she still has the grenade.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts to.

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half of a worm.

A guy walked into a bar with a duck under his arm and the bartender asked, “Where ‘d ya get the pig?” The guy looked at the bartender and said, “It’s not a PIG you idiot, it’s a DUCK! The bartender looked at the guy and said, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the duck!”

Wit and Wisdom

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

How do you make Holy water? Get regular water and boil the hell out of it.

There was this little girl named Annie that sat in front of a little boy named Johnny in Sunday school. Annie always slept during the Sunday school lesson. One Sunday the teacher asked, “Who created the earth?” and she called on Annie to answer. Annie was sleeping so Johnny stabbed her with a pencil. Annie woke up and said, “Jesus Christ”. The teacher said very good Annie. A few minutes later Annie was sleeping again and the teacher asked, “Who was Jesus’ father?” Johnny stabbed Annie again and she yelled out “God Almighty”. The teacher said, “Very good Annie.” About five minutes later the teacher asked Annie, “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?” Johnny stabbed her once more and Annie jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m gonna break it in half.” The teacher fainted.

Once there was a sick woman that was about to die so she called her lawyer and her preacher and said, “Will you both stand on each side of my bed and hold my hand?” The two men said, “Why?” and the woman said, “Because I want to die like Jesus did with two thieves on each side.”

Three men die in a car crash and to get a good car in heaven they each have to answer a question. St. Peter says to the first man, “How many years were you with your wife, and did you ever cheat on her?” The first man replies, “I was with my wife for 12 years and I cheated on her 9 times.” “Right, you get a mini”, says St. Peter, ”who is next?” The second man steps forward and St. Peter asks the same question. “I was with my wife 20 years and I cheated on her 6 times”, replied the man. “Right”, said St. Peter, “you get a rover. And now for you”, St. Peter says to the third man. “I was with my wife for 30 years and I didn’t cheat on her once!” he replied. “That’s what we like to hear”, said St. Peter, “you get a jaguar.” So the two men with the mini and the rover are driving around when they see the man with the jaguar crying. They asked him, “What’s wrong?” He replies, “I just saw my wife driving around on a skateboard!”

A preacher skipped his Sunday sermon to go bear hunting. He packs his truck and trusty rifle and heads to the woods. As he is walking through the forest, he hears a movement in the bushes behind him. He turns around and there is a huge grizzly standing there. His first instinct is to take off running. As he is running, he is praying, “God, please forgive me for skipping church! Answer my one prayer and I will never skip church again! Please make a Christian out of this bear.” Instantly the bear drops to his knees and prays, “Dear Lord, bless this food I’m about to receive!”

Why is Santa Claus so merry? He knows where all the bad girls live.

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does his/her partner also have to drown?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If God sneezes…what should you say?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read correctly?

Is there a Dr. Salt?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

What happened to the first 6 Ups?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Frog Jokes

One Liners

Why are frogs so happy?: They eat watever bugs them!
What does a frog wear on St. Patrick's day?: Nothing!
What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?: A prince.
How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?: One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?: The Beetle.
What's green and jumps?: A frog!! (groan!)
What's green and red?: A very mad frog.
What's green with red spots?: A frog with the chicken pox!
What's green with bumps?: A frog with the measles!
What's black and white and green?: A frog sitting on a newspaper.
What's green and dangerous?: A frog with a hand-grenade.
What's white on the outside, and green on the inside?: A frog sandwich!
What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?: Hop in!
What happens when two frogs collide?: They get tongue tied!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?: Open toad!
What do frogs do with paper?: Rip-it!
What is the first book a tadpole reads?: Metamorphosis by Kafka.
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?: Unhoppy.
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?: A rubbit!
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?: He liked a good croak and dagger.
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?: It got toad!!
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?: A dirty double-crosser!
What's green green green green green?: a frog rolling down a hill
What is a frogs favorite time?: Leap Year!
Why did the frog go to the mall?: Because he wanted to go hopping.
I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can. I asked him what he was doing.: He said, "I'm moving!"
Why did the frog walk across the road?: He didn't... he jumped.
Why did the frog cross the street?: because the chicken crossed the road.
Why did the frog cross the road?: to see what the chicken was doing.
Why did the frog cross the road?: Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.
Why did the frog stop in the middle of the road?: To get hit by a steamroller
Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road?: He ran after a fly and was hit by a car.
Why did the frog cross the road?: If a chicken can do it so could he!
How can you tell if a frog doesn't have ears?: You yell "Free Flies" and he doesn't come.
How do you confuse a frog?: Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
How does a frog confuse you?: When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
How do you apologize to a witch?: Ribbit!
What did the frog say to the fly?: You are really starting to bug me!
What does a frog say when it sees somethin' great?: Toadly awesome!
What do you call a frog with no legs?: It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.
What do you call a frog with legs?: Dinner.
What did one frog say to another?: You're such a WART!
Why did the frog croak?: Because he ate a poisonous fly!
What is a frog's favorite game?: Croaket
What did the frog order at McDonald's?: French flies and a diet Croak
What does a Romulan frog use for camoflage?: A croaking device!
What happened to the cat and frog when they got run over?: The cat had nine lives, the frog just croaked.
Why did the frog say meow?: He was learning a foreign language.
How come the frog didn't get to be the Easter Bunny?: Slippery hands...they were afraid he'd drop the eggs!
Why did the frog go to the hospital?: He needed a "hopperation" !
What is the thirstiest frog in the world?: The one who drinks Canada Dry!
What's red and green and goes 175 miles an hour?: A frog in a blender.
What do you get if you add milk?: Frog nog!
What happens if you drink frog nog?: You Croak!
What do ya call a frog's favorite soda?: Croaka-Cola!
Why did the motorcycle rider buy a pet frog?: To pick the flies out from between his teeth!
"Waiter... Waiter... Do you have frog legs?": -"No!... I always walk this way!"
"Waiter... Waiter... Do you have frog legs?": -"Yes Sir!" "Then hop on over to the kitchen and get me a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich!"
How deep can a frog go?: Knee-deep Knee-deep!
What do stylish frogs wear?: Jumpsuits!
What does a bankrupt frog say?: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."
What has more lives that a cat?: A frog that goes croak every night.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?: He wanted to robbit.
Why are frogs such liars?: Because they are amFIBians.
How can you tell a frog doesn't have ears?: They don't move when a car is coming toward them.
What did the frog do after it heard a funny joke?: It started to croak up!
Why did the gag-writer turn green?: Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!

Made you Think

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

How do you clean a tuba? With a Tuba Toothpaste.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!”, said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well…” replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!”, remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?”, the sailor asked incredulously. “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? IN CASE THEY GET A HOLE IN ONE!!!

What do you see when Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts.

There were 3 men stuck on a tropical island with a cannibal. The cannibal caught all three of them and said to them, “Go into the forest and bring back 10 of the same fruit. When you get back I will tell you what to do next. The first guy came back with 10 apples and then the cannibal said, “Now shove all 10 up your butt without laughing and I will let you live. He gets to three and starts laughing. So the cannibal eats him and he goes to heaven. The second guy comes back with blueberries. The cannibal says the same thing. He got to 9 and burst out laughing. So the cannibal eats him and he goes to heaven. Well the first guy meets the second guy in heaven and says, “What happened, you were so close?” The second guy says, “I saw the third guy coming up with pineapples.”

A man died and went to heaven. Along the road to the white pearly gates he saw a shack to the side of the road and went inside. An angel was sitting at a desk doing some paperwork and the walls were covered with clocks. The man said, “What are all the clocks for?” The Angel looked up and said, “The hand on each clock moves each time someone tells a lie”. She said, “For example, this is Mona Lisa’s clock. It has moved only 2 times, so she has told only 2 lies.” Then she said, “This is Brad Pitts clock, it has not moved at all.” Then the man said, “Where is Bill Clinton’s clock?” The angel said, “It is in God’s office, he uses it as a fan.”

What do you call two banana peels? Slippers.

Just kidding