Made you Think

• HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.  Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”  They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

• How do you clean a tuba?  With a Tuba Toothpaste.

• A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.  The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”  The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.  Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”  “Wow!”,  said the seaman.  “What about your hook”?  “Well…” replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.  One of the enemy cut my hand off.”  “Incredible!”,  remarked the seaman.  “How did you get the eye patch”?  “A seagull dropping fell into my eye”, replied the pirate.  “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?”,  the sailor asked incredulously.  “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

• Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? IN CASE THEY GET A HOLE IN ONE!!!

• What do you see when Doughboy bends over?  Doughnuts.

• There were 3 men stuck on a tropical island with a cannibal.  The cannibal caught all three of them and said to them, “Go into the forest and bring back 10 of the same fruit.  When you get back I will tell you what to do next.  The first guy came back with 10 apples and then the cannibal said, “Now shove all 10 up your butt without laughing and I will let you live.  He gets to three and starts laughing.  So the cannibal eats him and he goes to heaven.  The second guy comes back with blueberries.  The cannibal says the same thing.  He got to 9 and burst out laughing.  So the cannibal eats him and he goes to heaven.  Well the first guy meets the second guy in heaven and says, “What happened, you were so close?”  The second guy says, “I saw the third guy coming up with pineapples.”

• A man died and went to heaven.  Along the road to the white pearly gates he saw a shack to the side of the road and went inside.  An angel was sitting at a desk doing some paperwork and the walls were covered with clocks.  The man said, “What are all the clocks for?”  The Angel looked up and said, “The hand on each clock moves each time someone tells a lie”.  She said, “For example, this is Mona Lisa’s clock.  It has moved only 2 times, so she has told only 2 lies.”  Then she said, “This is Brad Pitts clock, it has not moved at all.”   Then the man said, “Where is Bill Clinton’s clock?”  The angel said, “It is in God’s office, he uses it as a fan.”

• What do you call two banana peels?  Slippers.